1 00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:12,640 All right. She's big. 2 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:14,880 She's big. 3 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,020 I like them big, you know. She's big. 4 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:23,380 You don't get many of them to a pound. 5 00:00:24,740 --> 00:00:25,780 She's big. 6 00:00:26,140 --> 00:00:28,940 I could fall madly into bed with her. 7 00:00:29,900 --> 00:00:30,900 She's big. 8 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,080 She's big. 9 00:00:32,420 --> 00:00:33,420 Another one. 10 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,620 He's so jolly. Oh, bawly locks. 11 00:00:39,990 --> 00:00:42,850 No, you'll get some polish on that, will you? 12 00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:45,890 It looks like a nice skating rink. 13 00:00:46,510 --> 00:00:49,490 Oh, it's smooth, smooth. 14 00:00:50,930 --> 00:00:53,690 It feels like my wife's bottom. 15 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:56,490 Well done. 16 00:01:04,750 --> 00:01:08,100 Ladies and gentlemen, hit... The Benny Hill Show. 17 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,680 And here is Benny Hill. 18 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:14,360 Please don't blame our doggy. It's not his fault at all. Someone left a wet 19 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:15,760 umbrella standing in the hallway. 20 00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:25,300 All together. 21 00:02:31,620 --> 00:02:34,120 Some girls are like Cairo. Mysterious and hot. 22 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,740 And other girls are like Paris with all the charming dots. But my girl, she is 23 00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,800 like Tibet with all the exciting snow there. Because everyone knows where it 24 00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:42,020 but no one wants to go there. 25 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:49,320 I like the girls that do, and I like the girls that don't. I like the girls that 26 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,520 will, and I like the girls that won't. But the ones I like the best of all, I 27 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:55,220 know you'll agree I'm right, is the girl who thinks she never has, but you often 28 00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:56,220 think she might. 29 00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:08,390 Here we go. And Jackie is a barefoot boy and loves the gypsy life. He also loves 30 00:03:08,390 --> 00:03:11,650 the gypsy girls, but don't you tell his wife. One day he met a gypsy girl who 31 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:14,750 was so big and round. When standing up, she looked like Harry Sinkham sitting 32 00:03:14,750 --> 00:03:15,750 down. 33 00:03:18,070 --> 00:03:23,950 There's no looking to my eyes and tell me what you see. She said to big fat 34 00:03:23,950 --> 00:03:25,490 gypsy girls and they both look like me. 35 00:03:25,710 --> 00:03:28,870 He asked her what her lips were for as they sat by her head. She said they're 36 00:03:28,870 --> 00:03:30,550 there to stop me mouthing and praying around me. 37 00:03:35,709 --> 00:03:39,390 She said, you give me half a crown and I will read your palm. And then she saw 38 00:03:39,390 --> 00:03:42,770 his love line went halfway up his arm. So now she's changed her prizes, 39 00:03:42,770 --> 00:03:46,010 she's just as willing. It's big fat men in two pants and her little boys are 40 00:03:46,010 --> 00:03:47,010 shilling. 41 00:03:51,490 --> 00:03:55,090 One day they got married and their honeymoon was spent in a cottage down at 42 00:03:55,090 --> 00:03:58,250 Ilfracombe, which overlooked the rent. He staggered from his bed one day, his 43 00:03:58,250 --> 00:04:01,350 face was thin and lined. He went over to the window and he went up with the 44 00:04:01,350 --> 00:04:02,350 blind. 45 00:04:06,860 --> 00:04:10,440 Oh, Jack went off for roaming soon after they were wed. But wife, she got so 46 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,640 lonesome and she went around with dread. Oh, Jack, he got to hear of this and 47 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,899 said it's by my daughter. So he flew home by aeroplane and by helicopter. 48 00:04:31,790 --> 00:04:33,430 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Bless you. 49 00:04:34,430 --> 00:04:37,830 Jolly nice to be back with you again, and very nice indeed to welcome back my 50 00:04:37,830 --> 00:04:41,110 old friend, looking younger and lovelier than ever, Nicholas Park. 51 00:04:44,490 --> 00:04:51,210 I've come along to the studios this evening to find out what new series and 52 00:04:51,210 --> 00:04:57,730 stars that you can see on your television screens in the coming year. 53 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:04,360 And with me is the chief drama director and dialogue coach, Fred Scuttle. 54 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,200 I shot a harrow into the air. 55 00:05:08,820 --> 00:05:11,680 It fell to earth I know not where. 56 00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:15,160 And there's more bloody arrows that way, sir. 57 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:19,320 You'll forgive me, sir. You have to be a bit pottier at Thames, otherwise you'll 58 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:20,320 go balmy. 59 00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:23,020 Mr. Scuttle, you must... 60 00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:26,990 You must find it a great strain, don't you, travelling all over the country, 61 00:05:27,050 --> 00:05:30,950 searching for new talent? I'm never at home, you know, sir. My little boy calls 62 00:05:30,950 --> 00:05:31,950 me Uncle Father. 63 00:05:33,190 --> 00:05:39,050 In the past five years, sir, I have spent two weeks at home with my wife. 64 00:05:39,050 --> 00:05:41,770 weeks. Still a fortnight soon passes, doesn't it, sir? 65 00:05:43,790 --> 00:05:44,990 Mr. Scuttle... 66 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:49,080 What advice would you give to an aspiring young actor? Well, I would say, 67 00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:50,220 speak up, sir. 68 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:51,700 Enunciate clearly. 69 00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:54,240 Try and emulate Dick Bogard's direction. 70 00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,300 Dirk Bogard's diction. 71 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:02,300 I never paraphrase, sir. I mean, keep to the script. If the script says he was 72 00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:05,220 bent on seeing her, then you must say he was bent on seeing her. 73 00:06:05,610 --> 00:06:07,930 Not the sight of her doubled him up. Do you know what I mean? 74 00:06:08,990 --> 00:06:10,790 Might be getting funny, not here attending. 75 00:06:11,790 --> 00:06:15,650 I tell you, you know, sir, I come into a rehearsal the other day. She was this 76 00:06:15,650 --> 00:06:16,790 skinny, good -natured girl. 77 00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:22,110 She's wearing a riding hat, riding jacket, jot hoppers. 78 00:06:24,910 --> 00:06:29,370 Flimsy. She comes through the French windows. She says, I have come from the 79 00:06:29,370 --> 00:06:32,850 meat. I told her, I said, I have come for the meat. 80 00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:36,020 And the props never had it ready. 81 00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:41,100 I said, you're wasting your time, love. I said, get back to the co -op, I said. 82 00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:44,580 I told her. She said, I could study. I said, study is no good. I said, you 83 00:06:44,580 --> 00:06:46,020 study till your googie withers. 84 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:52,100 I said, you'll never... Think about it. Think about it. 85 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,620 I said, you'll never be a star like her. 86 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,920 Well, Mr. Scott, I feel that I should tell you now. 87 00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:03,220 It's out. 88 00:07:08,910 --> 00:07:09,990 I beg your pardon, sir. 89 00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,350 Your little secret. 90 00:07:13,910 --> 00:07:15,290 My little secret what? 91 00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:21,290 Well, I believe tonight, for the first time, you're going to show us all your 92 00:07:21,290 --> 00:07:22,290 chunky. 93 00:07:25,670 --> 00:07:29,790 My chunky? Yes! Oh, my new debauchery. A discovery. 94 00:07:30,370 --> 00:07:32,170 Yes, chunky, yes. 95 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:38,360 I believe at one time he was a male model. A very straight one, sir. He 96 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,520 done nude work, sir. 97 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,500 Or surgical appliances. 98 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,620 He wouldn't have any of that, you know. 99 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,400 Where did you actually find him? In a knacker's yard. 100 00:07:51,380 --> 00:07:54,880 I'll never forget it. He was seated atop an offal vat, sir. 101 00:07:56,420 --> 00:07:59,880 Wearing a dark blue Serge Gainsborough. 102 00:08:00,220 --> 00:08:01,700 With a vent up the back. 103 00:08:02,270 --> 00:08:04,290 I think it was Arthur Worsley. I'm not sure. 104 00:08:05,270 --> 00:08:08,850 And immaculate, sir. He was immaculate, sir. He really had it made? 105 00:08:09,190 --> 00:08:10,790 Well, it may have been off the peg. You can't tell. 106 00:08:11,210 --> 00:08:13,670 He looked lovely. What is his background? 107 00:08:14,130 --> 00:08:16,830 Well, sir, he was born just outside wedlock. 108 00:08:19,910 --> 00:08:21,330 About a fortnight, I think. 109 00:08:22,910 --> 00:08:24,910 And as a result of a union. 110 00:08:25,170 --> 00:08:29,210 A union, yeah. Yeah, between a Lithuanian bottle importer on the one 111 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:32,990 And on the other hand, a lady welder from Weston. Superman. 112 00:08:33,289 --> 00:08:34,370 I never met her, sir. 113 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:41,510 And he was an unwanted child, sir, and he was brought up in a nunnery near 114 00:08:41,510 --> 00:08:44,490 Nuneaton by the Mother Shapiro, sir. 115 00:08:45,790 --> 00:08:49,030 What was his name at this point? Rex Rover. 116 00:08:49,710 --> 00:08:51,670 They wanted a dog, really. 117 00:08:52,510 --> 00:08:54,870 And you renamed him, of course. 118 00:08:55,070 --> 00:08:56,090 Chunky. Chunky. 119 00:08:56,330 --> 00:08:57,189 Chunky. 120 00:08:57,190 --> 00:08:58,190 Tell me... 121 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,260 Is he going to emulate Twiggy? 122 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:02,600 What? 123 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,140 I'm really rather up to him than Twiggy, isn't it? 124 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,580 He'd be a bit tall for us, though. 125 00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:13,060 I mean, they'd have no one to talk to, wouldn't they? You misunderstand me, Mr. 126 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:16,880 Scott. What I actually meant was, are you grooming him for television and... 127 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:20,840 Bill, the film star! Yes, yes, yes. I believe that Raquel Welch once referred 128 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:22,360 him as tall, dark and handsome. 129 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,100 Well, either that or taller than the dark handsome. 130 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:27,580 Or was it tall, dark and hands? 131 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,460 I can't remember. She was running away at the time, sir. It's very difficult to 132 00:09:31,460 --> 00:09:36,160 tell, sir. Yes, of course. But what is it that women find so irresistible about 133 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:37,820 him? His charisma? His presence? 134 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,760 I don't think he gives them charisma's presence, sir. 135 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:49,240 I'm more than likely to give them to him, you see, sir. His personality. His 136 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:53,060 appeal. Well, sir, it's hard to put your finger on it, sir. 137 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:55,500 Well, it is for me. 138 00:09:57,070 --> 00:10:00,150 The thing is, it's a coagulation of many things. 139 00:10:00,390 --> 00:10:05,530 It's the nonchalant way he lollops about quietly doing his own thing. 140 00:10:05,870 --> 00:10:08,030 Because he's completely uninhabited, you know, sir. 141 00:10:08,910 --> 00:10:13,050 He doesn't care. Honestly, he's got an itch, he'll scratch it. No matter where 142 00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:13,889 it is. 143 00:10:13,890 --> 00:10:15,670 That he happens to be at the time. 144 00:10:17,310 --> 00:10:18,790 Oh, I would say... 145 00:10:19,260 --> 00:10:22,620 In a word, if I had to sum it up in a word, I would say charm, sir. Pure, 146 00:10:22,620 --> 00:10:23,920 unadulterated charm. 147 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,840 Well, I'm sure the viewers are just longing to see him. Why don't you trot 148 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,620 out? He's not a bloody racehorse, you know. 149 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:34,840 Ladies and gentlemen, I... Do that. 150 00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:36,140 Do it all. 151 00:10:36,980 --> 00:10:37,980 No, don't have it. 152 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,120 I give you the one and only Chunky. 153 00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:43,420 Get back, get back! 154 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:48,220 Told you before, didn't I? Come out a tantalising bit at a time. 155 00:10:48,810 --> 00:10:50,730 Not one big lossful dollop. 156 00:10:51,590 --> 00:10:52,890 Great pillock. 157 00:10:54,410 --> 00:10:56,610 The man no girl can resist. 158 00:10:57,010 --> 00:10:58,010 Chunky! 159 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,440 that lovely wavy hair. 160 00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:29,900 Which one? 161 00:11:30,060 --> 00:11:31,100 You're being cheeky, aren't you? 162 00:11:31,460 --> 00:11:35,820 They are spread thin of a purpose, sir, so that none shall obscure the full 163 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,000 beauty of the other three. 164 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,380 And look at those lips, sir. 165 00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:40,740 Sensuous lips. 166 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:46,240 The result of playing the pupil in the Boy Scouts for six years, sir. 167 00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:48,540 Made for blowing up balloons, they was. 168 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,120 Show them your teeth. 169 00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:51,540 Look at them. 170 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,560 The pride of the opposite, sir. 171 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:59,960 He's got it all, this kid, I think, a lot. Mr... Mr... Sorry, Mr... I'm afraid 172 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,440 must say, I'm not very impressed. 173 00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:03,480 And I think he's rather uncouth. 174 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,260 I'm bleeding couth! 175 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:10,020 Who are you calling uncouth? I have a bath every month, don't I? 176 00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:12,860 Or get a wax out of me ear holes with me little pinky? 177 00:12:14,220 --> 00:12:17,720 Or I go down Ballycloth once a week and branch about with all them bleeding 178 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:18,720 great poofs? 179 00:12:18,820 --> 00:12:20,100 Uncouth, get out of it! 180 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:21,840 Chunky! 181 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,160 Chunky! Chunky! Chunky! Not the face! Not the face! 182 00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:30,810 a bit. Listen, a little bit of delicatessen, a bit of finesse, mate, 183 00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:34,210 Well, I feel like a woman, don't I? So do I, but after the show. 184 00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:37,770 I 185 00:12:37,770 --> 00:12:45,130 haven't 186 00:12:45,130 --> 00:12:46,770 seen his potential yet. I should hope not. 187 00:12:47,170 --> 00:12:49,870 I told you, he doesn't do that kind of work. 188 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:53,090 You haven't heard his romantic side, have you? 189 00:12:54,170 --> 00:12:56,510 Chunky, say something soft. 190 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,040 and warm and sweet. 191 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,580 And if you say trickle pudding, I'll thump you. Not afraid, not afraid. 192 00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:03,620 Go on, off you go. Watch this, though. Watch. 193 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:09,540 Come out in the garden, darling. 194 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,920 I want the roses to see you. 195 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:13,640 There. 196 00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:15,960 And he's educated as well, sir. 197 00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:18,040 Chunky, give me two pronouns. 198 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:19,519 Who, me? 199 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:20,520 There, what did I tell you? 200 00:13:27,210 --> 00:13:30,250 I'm afraid I must tell you, I don't think there's much future for him in 201 00:13:30,250 --> 00:13:32,910 television. Not yet, sir? No. Well, they'll have to take that offer from 202 00:13:32,910 --> 00:13:35,170 Films, won't they? You see, they're doing George and the Dragon. 203 00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:36,670 Is he going to play some George? 204 00:13:37,130 --> 00:13:38,830 Well, not exactly. 205 00:13:39,450 --> 00:13:42,630 I say, Chunky, have you ever thought about taking up fire eating? Oh, I ain't 206 00:13:42,630 --> 00:13:45,350 playing no beaten dragon! Now, listen, look at this. It's a character part. 207 00:13:45,430 --> 00:13:47,730 You'll frighten the life out of them. Or wear a mask. 208 00:13:48,050 --> 00:13:50,050 Oh, yes, there's no sense in overdoing it, is there? 209 00:13:51,410 --> 00:13:54,390 Goodbye, goodnight. 210 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,100 Once a month they leave their wives, and off they go to St. 211 00:14:11,340 --> 00:14:14,600 Ives. And there they develop the monumental first. 212 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:19,120 Twelve quarts a man is sunk, and they claim not one gets drunk. 213 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,460 They do admit that once they had one burst. 214 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:26,400 I don't go with them anymore. I say to myself, what for? Drinking that homemade 215 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,020 wine by my waddy cocks? 216 00:14:28,380 --> 00:14:32,060 I say to myself, it tastes like stew, and it's a funny colour too. They say, 217 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,520 that'll be the diet of waddy socks. 218 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:40,990 Once we stopped at a posh hotel, and Siddy says, oh, well, I'll just pop in 219 00:14:40,990 --> 00:14:42,690 get an estimate for a gin and tonic. 220 00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:47,550 Ted says, I'll have a quart. I says, you'll have a half. He says, go on, 221 00:14:47,550 --> 00:14:49,890 make me laugh. That'd slop about my inside salicronic. 222 00:14:51,270 --> 00:14:54,930 Inside, we sees Ma Tickle, looking like she's weaned on a pickle. 223 00:14:55,830 --> 00:14:59,830 She sneers at Ted, and with her any warning, he says, you're ugly, you old 224 00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:03,490 She says, and you're drunk, I'll have you know. He says, I know, but I'll be 225 00:15:03,490 --> 00:15:04,490 sober in the morning. 226 00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:12,310 It was the landlord's daughter, Gert. Now, she had a nice little bit of skirt. 227 00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:15,170 So to show off, Ted orders up points at the best. 228 00:15:15,630 --> 00:15:18,490 He says, and what do you have, my dear? She says, I've just got a mouthful of 229 00:15:18,490 --> 00:15:20,690 beer. He says, don't be greedy. You have a pint, same as the rest. 230 00:15:21,870 --> 00:15:26,150 He says, I can't abide this stuff. I should be glad when I've had enough. And 231 00:15:26,150 --> 00:15:27,790 can all move on to some better place. 232 00:15:28,210 --> 00:15:30,290 She says, good riddance, because you're too rough. 233 00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:33,930 You don't know when you've had enough. He says, I do. I fall flat on me face. 234 00:15:35,690 --> 00:15:39,450 And then he starts to have a row. She says, you can't even see straight now. 235 00:15:39,950 --> 00:15:41,910 He says, I can't see straight. 236 00:15:42,390 --> 00:15:43,710 Cool, he now shouts. 237 00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:48,250 He said, I can see clear as a die. That cat coming in's only got one eye. 238 00:15:50,270 --> 00:15:52,750 She said, that cat ain't coming in, it's going out. 239 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,920 Now, he don't always strong litter, and he said, I thought he was going to get 240 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:12,240 cross. But he says, last Sunday I was filled with elation to see you in my 241 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,940 congregation. He says, thank God, I wonder where I was. 242 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,420 Here, that night we was tight as ticks. 243 00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:23,980 The next morning, about half past six, when all was still and no one was about, 244 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:29,600 Wally's uncle Sid lifted up the dustbin lid and quietly and carefully climbed 245 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:30,600 out. 246 00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:36,150 See, the night before, he'd stripped off, cursed, and then dived in head 247 00:16:36,670 --> 00:16:38,950 You see, he thought he was on the end of the pier. 248 00:16:39,710 --> 00:16:43,790 And a policewoman passed by, and she murmured with a sigh, what a waste, that 249 00:16:43,790 --> 00:16:45,010 one there's good for another year. 250 00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:54,510 Oh, dear, Wall had so much to sup, he woke the landlord up. He phoned him up, 251 00:16:54,550 --> 00:16:58,570 quit in a half -shout. He says, we don't open until ten, you can't get in till 252 00:16:58,570 --> 00:17:00,670 then. He says, I don't want to get in, I want to get out. 253 00:17:04,430 --> 00:17:09,109 Oh, Charlie, he got so high he lay down in a stoy next to a pig. And a passing 254 00:17:09,109 --> 00:17:14,030 priest was heard to say, you can tell a man who boozes by the company he 255 00:17:14,030 --> 00:17:17,369 chooses. And the pig got up and slowly walked away. 256 00:17:19,810 --> 00:17:24,290 Well, I sit here like old Gandhi with me little half a shandy while they lot 257 00:17:24,290 --> 00:17:25,730 goes and drink up after night. 258 00:17:26,569 --> 00:17:31,330 Because they, once a month each year, they goes off and they disappear and 259 00:17:31,330 --> 00:17:34,950 goes off on the beer and they leaves behind their darling little wives. 260 00:17:35,570 --> 00:17:37,990 So you see, some men thirst for knowledge. 261 00:17:38,270 --> 00:17:40,030 Now that's why they goes to college. 262 00:17:40,510 --> 00:17:43,530 That some need ale and wine to quench their thirst. 263 00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:45,870 But the thirst I like to quench. 264 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,300 requires the cooperation of a wench. 265 00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:52,800 I wonder which of the little wives I should call on first. 266 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:56,160 Here he is. Because it's a lovely little... Hello, Ernie. They've all gone 267 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,000 and left you, have they? Here, you come in round for tea and crumbs. Oh, I'd 268 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,020 like that. Yeah, I'd like that. I'd like that, Ernie. 269 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,520 Maybe you can get some... Will you go up and... Good night, Paul. 270 00:18:04,780 --> 00:18:05,780 Maybe then. 271 00:18:39,899 --> 00:18:42,940 I'm wondering what dress to wear. 272 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,620 I just take time 273 00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:01,950 shadow minister for homes and gardens, Mr. George Treader, said that plum 274 00:21:01,950 --> 00:21:08,930 dwellings, like those you're seeing on your screens now, are still being used 275 00:21:08,930 --> 00:21:14,370 many people who are unable to afford the high rents now being up. 276 00:21:17,170 --> 00:21:23,710 He also said that he hoped that the government would put its own house in 277 00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:24,870 Soon, 278 00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:30,970 We'll try and get that picture for you. 279 00:21:34,650 --> 00:21:36,830 The opening of Parliament. 280 00:21:37,030 --> 00:21:42,490 The Queen, seen here leaving Buckingham Palace, looking afresh after her wishes. 281 00:21:42,810 --> 00:21:49,590 She was helped into the royal coach 282 00:21:49,590 --> 00:21:50,650 by Prince Philip. 283 00:21:51,830 --> 00:21:56,290 As he accompanied her on the journey down the Mall, thousands of well 284 00:21:56,330 --> 00:21:58,690 many of them tourists, wished her Godspeed. 285 00:22:01,230 --> 00:22:03,670 Yet another eviction in Westminster. 286 00:22:04,570 --> 00:22:09,350 Once again, the sad sight of two young people being evicted. 287 00:22:10,630 --> 00:22:16,270 These young people, defeated by inflation and rising prices, have had to 288 00:22:16,270 --> 00:22:18,430 the house which has been their home for so long. 289 00:22:19,030 --> 00:22:23,550 The young husband has implored his employers for a rise for over a year 290 00:22:23,550 --> 00:22:25,650 his pleas have fallen upon deaf ears. 291 00:22:26,710 --> 00:22:29,070 Prime Minister's tour of the Commonwealth. 292 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:36,180 Prime Minister, seen here leaving Number 10, was speeded on his way 293 00:22:36,180 --> 00:22:38,040 by Sir Alec Douglas Hugh. 294 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:48,020 Mr Heath said he was taking with him only his personal secretary, whom he 295 00:22:48,020 --> 00:22:52,280 felt would be of no use to him on the long and arduous trip. 296 00:22:52,700 --> 00:22:56,840 Good news for Mr and Mrs Dribble of Bexley Heath. Their young son has been 297 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,760 missing for three weeks, has at last been found. 298 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:04,020 Seen here, looking quite happy, and none the worse for his ordeal. 299 00:23:04,900 --> 00:23:09,160 What happened to him remains a mystery, as he has not yet learned to talk. 300 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:14,220 His mother said he deserves to have his bottom smacked, but when he smiles at 301 00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:15,960 me, my heart just melts. 302 00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:20,060 She said this is the last time I let him out on his own. 303 00:23:22,140 --> 00:23:27,480 Muhammad Ali, the ex -world heavyweight champion, takes time out for a little 304 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:28,480 relaxation. 305 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:35,220 He said he still considered himself the world's number one fighter. 306 00:23:36,820 --> 00:23:41,560 Looking a good deal lighter than of late, he said he was still fighting fit 307 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,800 just waiting to have a go at Joe Frazier. 308 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:49,460 Mr. Enoch Powell. 309 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:54,880 Mr. Enoch Powell, seen here addressing his constituents in Wolverhampton, said 310 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,000 that it is high time. 311 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,440 Over to you, Andrew Gardner. 312 00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:10,320 The situation in Ampola remains tense. 313 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,640 Your reporter, Walter Burke. 314 00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:15,260 Walter Burke. 315 00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:20,420 So far, the military coup that was anticipated in the early hours of the 316 00:24:20,420 --> 00:24:24,100 has not transpired. But any moment now, there is bound to be a military coup. 317 00:24:24,820 --> 00:24:25,820 However, 318 00:24:27,780 --> 00:24:31,720 the president... Magano, so far, refuses Office of Assistance and Aid. 319 00:24:32,780 --> 00:24:34,940 And we don't want the United Nations from here. 320 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:37,800 Peace talks, peace talks, peace talks. 321 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:39,320 We don't grow peace. 322 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:40,800 What do we want with peace talks? 323 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,940 We don't want the police government from here, either. 324 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:49,240 Because the High Commissioner there, he's bloody rude. Very, very rude man. 325 00:24:49,540 --> 00:24:52,000 They have a lovely, filthy piece of hate hanging on my wall. 326 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:55,140 He looked up at it and he said, he said, it must have come from a hell of a... 327 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:02,480 One of my lions. 328 00:25:02,540 --> 00:25:05,040 And he said, it was in self -defense. He made a rug out of it. 329 00:25:05,420 --> 00:25:07,280 He said, it was either him or me. 330 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,460 And I said, well, the lion's made a better bloody rug than you would have 331 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,640 They said, don't turn this place into a me -mammy beach. 332 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:16,880 We don't want anything like that. 333 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:18,400 Because they said, it's very ideal. 334 00:25:18,660 --> 00:25:22,180 They said, yes, there's sand for the children, and there's sea for the wife. 335 00:25:22,180 --> 00:25:24,020 said, yes, and there's sharks for the wife's mother, as I told them, you see. 336 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:27,300 And they don't want Americans coming here, exploiting our nature, and ill 337 00:25:27,300 --> 00:25:28,840 -treating our people. Because we don't want to do that. 338 00:25:29,130 --> 00:25:31,830 Get up, let him move on with you. Get up, let him move on with you. 339 00:25:32,370 --> 00:25:34,570 We don't want exploiting our natives or anything like that, you see. 340 00:25:34,810 --> 00:25:38,310 And we don't want any of those pygmies coming over the border and invading us. 341 00:25:38,350 --> 00:25:39,830 We want to keep ourselves several from the pygmies. 342 00:25:40,170 --> 00:25:42,810 Because, you see, the Ampola is a very, very tall, very proud warrior. 343 00:25:43,170 --> 00:25:46,150 The Ampola is very, very tall, seven feet tall. And he doesn't want a little 344 00:25:46,150 --> 00:25:48,030 pygmy woman sticking her nose into his business. 345 00:25:48,410 --> 00:25:54,510 That's what these little pygmy women, they have been having affairs with our 346 00:25:54,510 --> 00:25:56,010 warriors. I don't know who's been... 347 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:01,859 Now we're independent. 348 00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:03,940 Now we're independent, you see. We don't have anything to do with the British 349 00:26:03,940 --> 00:26:05,160 government at all, or anything British. 350 00:26:05,380 --> 00:26:06,520 Would you care for a cup of tea? 351 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,660 The British language as we know it is in danger of becoming extinct. 352 00:26:11,020 --> 00:26:15,720 That is the opinion given today by Professor Herman Gruth at the South 353 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:16,720 University. 354 00:26:16,980 --> 00:26:22,620 Good evening, gentlemen and ladybodies, and a very special welcome to all the 355 00:26:22,620 --> 00:26:27,460 British people who are at this moment sitting together in the privy of their 356 00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:29,960 homes, watching this television show. 357 00:26:30,730 --> 00:26:31,730 Oh, yeah. 358 00:26:32,650 --> 00:26:37,650 Don't worry. I have been modeling up these British phrases of a purpose in 359 00:26:37,650 --> 00:26:43,670 to illustrate to you the anomalies and complexities of the British language. 360 00:26:44,110 --> 00:26:50,350 For instance, I speak English fluidly. My wife, however, does not. But I cannot 361 00:26:50,350 --> 00:26:51,570 leave her behind alone. 362 00:26:52,770 --> 00:26:55,930 I cannot leave her behind alone. 363 00:26:57,070 --> 00:26:58,670 I cannot leave her... 364 00:26:58,960 --> 00:26:59,960 behind the lawn? 365 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:01,260 In Germany. 366 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:08,800 Therefore, I have devised a method of speaking English utilizing only the 367 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:09,860 letters of the alphabet. 368 00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:15,200 For instance, my wife could not write to her penny friend, Oh, Elsie, I envy 369 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:20,640 you. You are in Essex and I am in Essen. But she could write it this way. 370 00:27:21,220 --> 00:27:22,580 Oh, Elsie. 371 00:27:23,290 --> 00:27:28,890 I envy you. You are an ethic, and I am an ethic. 372 00:27:30,650 --> 00:27:36,730 Many learned professors have said that this is not applicable to everyday life. 373 00:27:36,790 --> 00:27:41,030 To them, I say, go and get connoted. Go and get stupid. 374 00:27:41,530 --> 00:27:46,970 Won't I have the wise? A short play utilizing only the letters of the 375 00:27:47,130 --> 00:27:48,130 Here it is. 376 00:27:48,210 --> 00:27:49,590 Listen carefully now. 377 00:27:52,330 --> 00:27:58,110 P -R -T -V -Z -B -D -A. 378 00:27:58,790 --> 00:27:59,810 Why, you! 379 00:28:00,430 --> 00:28:02,390 Oh. N -U -R? 380 00:28:02,670 --> 00:28:04,850 I -B -P -C -A -B -B -T. 381 00:28:05,270 --> 00:28:06,270 Oh, you are, are you? 382 00:28:06,470 --> 00:28:07,810 I -B -N -U -B? 383 00:28:08,070 --> 00:28:13,610 I -B... I -B -I -M -R -T -G -C -O -C -I -D. Okay? 384 00:28:14,010 --> 00:28:15,010 Oh, wow. Oh. 385 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:23,499 Oh, I see. 386 00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:24,500 F -B -I -A. 387 00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:26,360 UFO. 388 00:28:26,700 --> 00:28:27,700 Oh, UFO. 389 00:28:28,820 --> 00:28:32,500 Y. Oh, X -G -I -A. I see. 390 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:34,920 A. Oh, T. 391 00:28:35,180 --> 00:28:36,180 P. 392 00:28:36,580 --> 00:28:37,580 W. 393 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:39,620 I see. 394 00:28:40,140 --> 00:28:42,760 Oh, Z -I -M. O -D -D. 395 00:28:43,820 --> 00:28:45,200 N -E -I -D -R -Y. 396 00:28:46,580 --> 00:28:47,580 Oh, I see. 397 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:48,840 Hey, Marty. 398 00:28:48,980 --> 00:28:50,800 Oh. Hey, Marty. 399 00:28:51,100 --> 00:28:52,100 O -P -O. 400 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,560 P .O.? P .O.! You, P .O.! 401 00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:00,920 See? Oh, I see. 402 00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:02,840 An F .E .G. 403 00:29:05,020 --> 00:29:08,220 P .P .F .N.? Why? 404 00:29:08,700 --> 00:29:09,720 An enemy. 405 00:29:10,460 --> 00:29:11,460 Ah. 406 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:18,480 H .P.? M .N .X.? O .K.? 407 00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:19,520 Hey, Artie! 408 00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,820 Eh? S .E .O .K.? 409 00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:23,280 Oh, G. 410 00:29:23,460 --> 00:29:24,500 G -B -H. 411 00:29:24,860 --> 00:29:25,860 R -I -P. 412 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:27,280 K -G -B. 413 00:29:27,700 --> 00:29:28,700 Hello, hello. 414 00:29:29,020 --> 00:29:30,020 I see. 415 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:31,200 O -M -T. 416 00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:32,840 F -I. 417 00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:37,980 I see. 418 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:39,680 An -N -N -N -Me. 419 00:29:42,300 --> 00:29:43,400 You okay? 420 00:29:43,940 --> 00:29:45,540 I -F -N -L -R -G. 421 00:29:45,940 --> 00:29:47,300 U -F -N -L -R -G? 422 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:51,180 I -F... I -F... A -V... A -V... 423 00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:54,059 You OK? 424 00:29:54,060 --> 00:29:56,660 OK. Ah, yes. Hello, hello, hello. 425 00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:58,860 Oh, hi. I see. 426 00:29:59,140 --> 00:30:01,000 I see. And you are? 427 00:30:01,380 --> 00:30:02,380 I -V -O -D. 428 00:30:02,620 --> 00:30:03,760 I -V -D. 429 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:07,360 Oh. I -V -O -D. 430 00:30:07,620 --> 00:30:10,040 S -U. I. I see. And M? 431 00:30:10,340 --> 00:30:11,960 E -N -O -B -N. 432 00:30:12,260 --> 00:30:14,340 E -N -O -B -N. 433 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:15,640 I see. 434 00:30:23,310 --> 00:30:24,310 Why am 435 00:30:54,860 --> 00:30:58,000 N -V -G -N -U -F -B -O -O -P -U. 436 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:01,820 I -L -B -N -J -L. 437 00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:04,280 And I -L -B -N -X -T -C. 438 00:31:54,380 --> 00:31:58,100 Mother angel, mother my darling, mother treasure. 439 00:31:58,820 --> 00:32:00,520 I'll thump that old crow in a minute. 440 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:02,720 Mother! 441 00:32:04,100 --> 00:32:05,260 I'm in here, dear. 442 00:32:05,660 --> 00:32:06,780 You're not on the throne again. 443 00:32:08,460 --> 00:32:09,460 No, dear, why? 444 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:12,900 You're not allowed to. I'm the only one allowed to use that throne, because I'm 445 00:32:12,900 --> 00:32:13,900 the king, that's because why. 446 00:32:13,980 --> 00:32:16,700 Now, mother, how do you stand out the invitations to my wedding? 447 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:31,720 Duchess of Langley on the list? Of course she hasn't been invited, Mother. 448 00:32:31,780 --> 00:32:32,780 That's because why not? 449 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:36,020 I mean, look what happened to my birthday party. She sat next to me at 450 00:32:36,020 --> 00:32:39,760 and all the time she kept breaking, making very strange noises. 451 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:43,520 Was she called Nell Pitt? I know, but she kept looking at me as if I'd done 452 00:32:44,980 --> 00:32:47,560 I had to pretend it was my chair scraping on the floor. 453 00:32:48,420 --> 00:32:50,340 Put me right off my marmalade, it did. 454 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:52,600 What's that you've got there? 455 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:55,320 It's a French book, Mother. I'm learning to parle bouffante. 456 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:56,880 Whatever for? 457 00:32:57,740 --> 00:32:58,980 sacred blue, mother. 458 00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:02,820 I'm marrying a French girl on Friday morning. 459 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:06,140 Friday afternoon, I'll... Well, Friday evening anyway. 460 00:33:07,380 --> 00:33:09,360 I mean, we'll be having our cocoa together. 461 00:33:10,220 --> 00:33:13,740 How can I tell her it's too hot or not sweet enough if I can't party the lingo 462 00:33:13,740 --> 00:33:17,060 and then nip off down to the kitchen and tell the chef to prepare a nice feast? 463 00:33:17,220 --> 00:33:20,580 And I don't want no more of those sort of dumplings like we had on my birthday. 464 00:33:20,700 --> 00:33:21,699 They were like cannonballs. 465 00:33:21,700 --> 00:33:22,900 Oh, they're digging me shit, they did. 466 00:33:26,730 --> 00:33:29,050 What is it, Crawlers? What do you want? The clothes. 467 00:33:29,670 --> 00:33:33,610 The clothes for the royal couple for the ceremony. What about afterwards? 468 00:33:33,870 --> 00:33:36,190 After? When we go to bed, what are we going to wear in bed? 469 00:33:36,490 --> 00:33:37,670 Oh, for the royal boudoir. 470 00:33:37,990 --> 00:33:39,910 Well, we thought something like this. 471 00:33:40,730 --> 00:33:43,510 See how daringly it is cut. 472 00:33:44,310 --> 00:33:45,310 Titillating, the word. 473 00:33:45,590 --> 00:33:50,650 It clings most densely to every subtle curve of the body. That deep, veined 474 00:33:50,650 --> 00:33:54,690 neckline. It's heavingly embroidered with the most delicate lace. 475 00:33:56,300 --> 00:33:57,300 I can hardly wait. 476 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:01,080 And made herself so fine as to be almost transparent. 477 00:34:01,380 --> 00:34:05,280 Lovely. What's she going to wear? We thought something like that. We thought 478 00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:08,520 something like that. That'll do. Listen, I'm going to go and study my form today 479 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,020 now, and I don't want to be disturbed, OK? 480 00:34:10,500 --> 00:34:12,800 A plot, my lord. 481 00:34:13,020 --> 00:34:14,020 A plot to kill the king. 482 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:16,860 Well, come on, man, out with it. What is it? The king's cousin Catherine, 483 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:21,100 Duchess of Whitworth, is this day sending an invitation for His Majesty to 484 00:34:21,100 --> 00:34:21,879 wine with her. 485 00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:25,120 And there, within the castle walls, is the assassination to take place. 486 00:34:25,340 --> 00:34:26,168 Leave us! 487 00:34:26,170 --> 00:34:27,290 Do you realize what this means? 488 00:34:27,610 --> 00:34:30,929 With the king out of the way and not yet married, she is next in line for the 489 00:34:30,929 --> 00:34:34,670 throne. We must stop the invitation reaching the king. No, wait. How long 490 00:34:34,670 --> 00:34:36,090 the king and his cousin last met? 491 00:34:36,330 --> 00:34:37,469 About ten years. Why? 492 00:34:37,770 --> 00:34:41,250 Ah, then if we could send someone to her who was not the king but yet looked 493 00:34:41,250 --> 00:34:45,030 like the king, dressed like the king, and even talked like the king. Ah, but 494 00:34:45,030 --> 00:34:47,250 could we find such a man? We can but try. 495 00:34:47,510 --> 00:34:48,510 Come. 496 00:34:50,730 --> 00:34:55,150 So off went the conspirators and scoured the countryside. 497 00:34:55,710 --> 00:35:01,130 They searched the cities and the towns, the hamlets far and wide. 498 00:35:01,410 --> 00:35:06,510 Then they contrasted by the manor on the Wessex beach. 499 00:35:06,830 --> 00:35:12,250 The living image of the king in everything but speech. 500 00:35:13,330 --> 00:35:15,970 How now, brown cow. 501 00:35:16,450 --> 00:35:18,170 How now, brown cow. 502 00:35:18,750 --> 00:35:21,170 How now, brown cow. 503 00:35:21,550 --> 00:35:22,810 That's very good, you're learning. 504 00:35:32,780 --> 00:35:35,880 something like that in no time at all, you'll be able to say it as I do. How 505 00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:37,380 now, brown cow? 506 00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:40,780 I'm going to have a job getting that into a conversation now, isn't I? 507 00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:45,320 But all right, all right, let's try it. That's a night -light pike handle. 508 00:35:45,660 --> 00:35:47,400 That's a night -light pike handle. 509 00:35:48,260 --> 00:35:52,420 That's... That's... That's... Oh, God. 510 00:35:54,300 --> 00:35:58,780 That's... A nice... A nice... Light... Light... Pike... Pike... 511 00:36:00,970 --> 00:36:02,850 pike handle. That's a nice light pike handle. 512 00:36:04,110 --> 00:36:06,090 That's a nice light pike handle! 513 00:36:06,330 --> 00:36:09,870 No, no, no, the king doesn't speak like that. The king speaks like this. 514 00:36:10,150 --> 00:36:11,790 That's a nice light pike handle. 515 00:36:13,170 --> 00:36:15,670 He must talk funny if he talks like that. 516 00:36:16,090 --> 00:36:17,910 That's a nice light pike handle. 517 00:36:18,190 --> 00:36:20,370 By George, he's got it. Oh. 518 00:36:22,550 --> 00:36:28,050 The crow goes to the tree, for the duck goes to the water. 519 00:36:28,470 --> 00:36:30,450 Lord Albert goes to... 520 00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:34,550 castle, and the lamb goes to the slaughter. 521 00:36:38,570 --> 00:36:42,230 His Majesty the King and Lord Albert. 522 00:36:44,030 --> 00:36:46,390 Henry, come and kiss your cousin. 523 00:36:46,670 --> 00:36:47,930 Are you sure it's all right, Mitty? 524 00:36:48,950 --> 00:36:50,510 Your Grace. What? 525 00:36:51,010 --> 00:36:52,610 Say, Your Grace. 526 00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:05,920 what I told you. How now, brown cow? 527 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:11,620 His Majesty has a great sense of humour. 528 00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:16,120 Henry, come sit over here and take some wine with me. Yes, His Majesty would 529 00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:18,280 like some wine. He's had a very tiring journey. 530 00:37:18,700 --> 00:37:20,720 You may leave us now, Lord Albert. 531 00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:22,000 Very good, Your Grace. 532 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:23,720 Goodbye, Your Majesty. 533 00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:25,520 It's been very nice knowing you. 534 00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:29,360 Meanwhile... 535 00:37:36,710 --> 00:37:42,430 Having found his invitation card, the real king's on his way. 536 00:37:45,350 --> 00:37:49,890 Oh, look, your majesty, we haven't touched your poison, your drink yet. 537 00:37:50,110 --> 00:37:53,130 No, I think I'd better go to the bathroom, because I had a rather long 538 00:37:53,130 --> 00:37:54,130 come in here. 539 00:37:54,190 --> 00:37:58,190 Yes, well, it's straight along the corridor. You can't miss it. I should 540 00:37:58,190 --> 00:37:59,190 to. 541 00:38:01,950 --> 00:38:04,010 Well, it won't be long now. 542 00:38:04,330 --> 00:38:06,750 Her gracious majesty. Majesty Queen Catherine. 543 00:38:07,430 --> 00:38:08,430 I like it. 544 00:38:10,410 --> 00:38:12,290 Cousin, how lovely to see you. 545 00:38:13,070 --> 00:38:14,070 Oh, it didn't take long. 546 00:38:14,350 --> 00:38:15,590 No, well, I was on horseback, wasn't I? 547 00:38:18,110 --> 00:38:21,590 Oh, I was jogging along up and down all the time, you know. 548 00:38:21,850 --> 00:38:24,390 As soon as I found it, I was in like a shot, you know. 549 00:38:24,830 --> 00:38:29,370 Oh, not half, yes, like the wind I was. I don't think they wanted me to find it. 550 00:38:29,900 --> 00:38:32,880 Find what? The invitation. No, thanks. I never touch wine. You know that. I'd 551 00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:35,160 better go and see if my horse is all right. I shan't be a jinx. 552 00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:39,420 Well, if you won't take the poison in the drink, I suppose I'd better poison 553 00:38:39,420 --> 00:38:40,420 food. 554 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:42,820 There. Enough to kill a regiment. 555 00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:45,640 Oh, that's better. 556 00:38:46,460 --> 00:38:47,460 How was it? 557 00:38:54,340 --> 00:38:56,320 It was very nice, thank you very much. 558 00:39:29,190 --> 00:39:32,030 I think no such thing. You're going potty. You are. I'd better nip down the 559 00:39:32,030 --> 00:39:34,310 apothecary and get you something to eat. No, no, really. 560 00:39:35,150 --> 00:39:36,069 Oh, dear. 561 00:39:36,070 --> 00:39:38,110 This isn't what I'd planned at all. 562 00:39:39,310 --> 00:39:40,310 There. 563 00:39:43,270 --> 00:39:44,330 He's all right now. 564 00:39:44,770 --> 00:39:46,590 I give him a rub down with a curry comb. 565 00:39:48,110 --> 00:39:49,650 And put his nose bag on. 566 00:39:50,550 --> 00:39:53,610 What, the apothecary? The apothecary. Are you all right? 567 00:39:54,030 --> 00:39:57,430 You do look a bit strange. You'd better have one of my little... 568 00:39:57,790 --> 00:40:00,690 That's how it is. I give them to my author. Very good. You get that down and 569 00:40:00,690 --> 00:40:03,770 you'll be all right. No! Do you read? 570 00:40:04,710 --> 00:40:11,390 So late into the evening Continues the defeat A dead man 571 00:40:11,390 --> 00:40:15,210 falls into the moat The plan is now complete 572 00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:30,638 Your Majesty. 573 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,520 Yeah, for a little while at Whitworth Castle, I thought I wasn't going to make 574 00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:34,259 it, you know. 575 00:40:34,260 --> 00:40:36,100 And to such an exquisite bride. 576 00:40:36,340 --> 00:40:37,340 Oh, my word, yes. 577 00:40:37,500 --> 00:40:40,140 Darling, it's nine o 'clock. I think it's time I retired. 578 00:40:40,900 --> 00:40:41,900 Retired? 579 00:40:41,980 --> 00:40:45,260 We've only just started. I mean, I haven't even... Oh, I see. Good night, 580 00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:46,300 darling. Good night. 581 00:40:46,720 --> 00:40:47,720 You're late. 582 00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:49,620 Don't be late, darling. I won't. 583 00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:54,900 Oh, I'm going to be enjoying being married to her. 584 00:41:00,460 --> 00:41:04,760 And nowadays we've got all those awful moments of television when things don't 585 00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:08,200 go quite the way that has been planned in the first place. 586 00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:11,920 Incidentally, it's not just in this country that these things happen, as 587 00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:14,620 happen all over the world. And in fact, we're going to show you... 588 00:43:30,380 --> 00:43:36,760 Whether you live in a castle in Cairns, a mason in Maidstone, or a shed in 589 00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:40,660 Sheffield, I'm sure you've never seen anything more attractive than this. 590 00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:47,140 Of course, all big cities have their problems. Here are a couple of brits. 591 00:43:47,340 --> 00:43:51,580 They're not insurmountable. You see, the road from Bath... Ow! 592 00:43:51,940 --> 00:43:52,940 Come out yourself! 593 00:44:05,330 --> 00:44:08,450 The little doll needs winding up. 594 00:44:11,710 --> 00:44:18,650 You filthy, dirty... Oh, Mel, what do you think you're doing? You're always 595 00:44:18,650 --> 00:44:19,650 doing that. 596 00:44:19,850 --> 00:44:22,530 Lionel Blair was just the same. I'm going to see equity about you. 597 00:44:24,590 --> 00:44:27,750 I was winding her up, David, honestly. 598 00:44:28,870 --> 00:44:29,910 I'm not like that. 599 00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:09,880 And here is Miss Dimpton on C. 600 00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:28,280 Dolls are interested. I have to I put the dolls back together. 601 00:45:29,500 --> 00:45:30,660 Oh, well no! 602 00:45:30,900 --> 00:45:32,140 Oh, gosh! 603 00:45:32,620 --> 00:45:34,540 Well, they're all poofs here. 604 00:45:34,980 --> 00:45:36,880 Beanbags? What do you say beanbags? 605 00:45:37,820 --> 00:45:39,540 I'm not like that. 606 00:45:41,540 --> 00:45:43,340 Wie alt ist dieser Mann? 607 00:45:43,780 --> 00:45:44,860 20 Jahre? 608 00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:46,680 21 Jahre? 609 00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:49,240 Nein, er hat zwei Kinder. 610 00:45:50,740 --> 00:45:52,420 Aber Herr Otto Stück... 611 00:45:52,700 --> 00:45:53,980 You look so young. 612 00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:57,080 Oh, thank you very much. What do you use? 613 00:45:57,360 --> 00:45:59,280 No, soap and water. 614 00:45:59,580 --> 00:46:01,280 Water? Oh, palm oil. 615 00:46:01,900 --> 00:46:08,580 I always use palm oil. It makes my skin so, oh, so soft and so smooth and 616 00:46:08,580 --> 00:46:09,580 so... 617 00:47:19,439 --> 00:47:22,990 What do you think you're doing? I've told you about that. before, I really am 618 00:47:22,990 --> 00:47:24,270 going to see equity about you. 619 00:47:24,630 --> 00:47:29,250 I didn't do anything, David. Honestly, it wasn't my fault. 620 00:47:33,350 --> 00:47:34,710 I'm sure you're wrong. 621 00:47:35,330 --> 00:47:36,330 Yes, 622 00:47:38,010 --> 00:47:42,330 this is the soap for you. So always look for the name on the wrapper. 623 00:47:43,050 --> 00:47:44,990 Oh, my God! Harry! 624 00:47:45,430 --> 00:47:47,890 Well, gee, it's the only way she can hold it. 625 00:47:48,210 --> 00:47:52,650 Well... Use the stand -in's hand and do a close -up. Now, come on, let's make 626 00:47:52,650 --> 00:47:54,190 pictures. Okay, baby, come on. 627 00:47:55,570 --> 00:48:00,690 Yes, this is the soap for you. So always look for the name on the wrapper. 628 00:48:42,810 --> 00:48:44,290 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 629 00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:47,880 And we look forward to seeing you all again very soon. 630 00:48:48,140 --> 00:48:49,880 Until then, bye -bye.